On Thursday, September 4, 2008, my son started his first day of school, preschool that is. He is only 3 years old (just turned 3 in July). I was really against starting him so early and I still am…kinda. The real only reason I agreed is he needs special therapy for his speech and language development. He has been getting speech therapy since he was 2 and our funding stopped when he turned 3. So if we wanted him to continue, we would have to pay out of pocket or get him enrolled in the public school system where he would receive therapy in class. So the latter won out.

I didn’t think this day would come this early! I was even thinking about homeschooling him when he turned 5. It’s not like he doesn’t have anyone to watch him during the day because my parents live with us at the moment and I only work part time. But I did have a baby just 3 months ago and it is a nice break for those 3 hours he is away. It gives him structure, socialization with kids his own age, and of course an education.

But I miss him terribly even if it is just a few hours a day. I think because the decision to start him in school was made so suddenly. I didn’t have time to mentally prepare myself but that probably wouldn’t have made it easier. How is it he is already in school? It feels like yesterday when he was just a baby. Now he is a little boy.

For some reason, I feel like I’m missing out on his “growing up.” I want to be with him all the time and teach him all he needs to know and protect him. Just today I got a scary phone call from the nurse at my son’s school asking me to pick him up. He had fallen and got a pretty good cut above his eye. Of course, the worse goes through your mind those first few seconds. But thank God he’s fine. He didn’t even need stitches. Just a cleanup, bandaid and lots of comforting and hugs.

I feel guilty at times thinking about how I didn’t enjoy him enough when he was younger, when he was a baby. I resented how he changed my life, how he took away my “freedom”, how my life was so carefree before he came. Sometimes I feel this is the reason he was colic, why he has such speech difficulties, why he has health issues (asthma and allergies) and sleeping issues. Don’t ask me why!

Sometimes I want to pull him out all together. I feel like he’s growing up too fast. He has a lot of school left in his life, why start so early? My husband doesn’t feel the same maybe because he’s a teacher and has that point of view. He says I baby him too much but what’s wrong with that? He is only 3!

I’m cursed with forever worrying about him not because I’m a mom but because I think of what happened to my brother. He passed away at the young age of 14 in an accident while he was with some relatives on vacation. So maybe this is why I’m so overprotective? Why I fear the worst? Why I’m such a worry wart? And why this is so hard? I struggle with letting him go in the morning and feel relief when he comes back home.

My question is does it get any easier? It’s been about a month, and I still feel the same…

Am I alone?

I am a mom of 2 kids, one is 3 yrs old and the other 3 months old. When I was pregnant with both my sons there was overwhelming pressure to breastfeed. From my doctor’s appointments to complete strangers, everyone said “You’re going to breastfeed, right?” I even lied saying I would be even though I still hadn’t made the decision whether to or not. I was not prepared for the difficulty of breastfeeding and went through so many emotions throughout. I had c-sections with both my sons and both times my milk took awhile to come in. I was even pumping at the hospital through the pain of surgery. My first son had a hard time latching on and wasn’t gaining the proper amount of weight so I bottle-fed with expressed breast milk and supplemented with formula. I would pump every 2-3 hrs and would attempt to breastfeed. All along, I had a colic baby who wanted to be held all the time making it difficult to pump throughout the day. I was also not producing enough milk. I had one breast that produced very little. Finally, I gave up after a few weeks and just pumped exclusively. To make matters worse, my first son had reflux so he would have episodes of vomiting after he would eat. Many times I would cry when he threw up thinking about all the hard work I put in with the pumping and the stress of it all. I even got mastitis and had to take antibiotics for a little while and also went through a bought of thrush. After all this, I was able to pump for 3 months and decided to stop since I was going back to work. I have done the same with my 3 month old and am in the process of putting him on formula exclusively. He also had a hard time latching on and I have had several plugged ducts already along with cracked and bleeding nipples. These were hard decisions but I know the best decision for me. But knowing this did not take away the feelings of guilt. But why the guilt? Every mom is entitled to make this decision for themselves without being pressured. So much information is given at the doctor’s office on breastfeeding but little on bottle feeding. Pediatricians and OBGYNs saying “Don’t stop breastfeeding” no matter what you’ve been through. Dirty looks given to you by other moms when you pull out a bottle to feed your baby instead of your breast. Bottles of formula almost mocking you with labels that say “Breast milk is recommended.” Commercials from formula makers saying “Breast milk is best.” Even today I read an article titled “Tainted Milk: Yet Another Reason to Breastfeed” about the tainted formula given to infants in China. Being a mom is hard enough. If she chooses not to breastfeed or can’t, why should she be put down?